


If I could take it all back, I swear that I would pull you from the tide

by myyueliang



Series: soon it gets better [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29320383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myyueliang/pseuds/myyueliang
Summary: Even sixteen, Ten knew that his best friend didn’t want to live. That it was hard for him to even do the bare minimum at times. Life felt less like a passing thing, and more like a heavy burden. And at sixteen, he had never felt so helpless.He was an idiot who could sometimes draw, he didn’t know how to do anything else.He was not a part of the Lee family, the rules didn’t apply to him. Everything was not okay, and it had never been okay, even from the start.(In which Ten slowly deals with the death of his best friend, his everything).
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Series: soon it gets better [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025019
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	If I could take it all back, I swear that I would pull you from the tide

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Line without a hook by Rick Montgomery 
> 
> This is part of a series, but can be read as a stand-alone.
> 
> Warning this deals with mental illnesses, and while you are currently depressed, I do not recommend reading it nor do I recommend reading anything like this.

He missed him. 

Ten stared out the window of his crappy studio apartment, tracing at the lights from the city. Taeyong used to drag him up and onto rooftops with a blinding smile. They would count cars passing through the streets, and jokingly argue about god knows what.

It was simple moments like those that he didn’t think mattered at the time. Simple moments that he would give everything to experience again.

(Simple moments he would never experience again.) 

-x-

Johnny looked at him in concern, “You’re painting him again.” 

He used to draw Taeyong so much in passing, in random sketches on his notebooks. Taeyong as he listened in class, Taeyong talking to the barista at the cafe before he sat down with him. 

He swapped through phases in art as fast as changing clothes. But Taeyong always remained his muse. It was a constant.

Ten sighed, switching to a finer brush and dumping his current one in paint water. Sacrilege to the art community but he didn’t give a shit. “If it makes you feel any less pity, I started this piece before all the shit went down.” 

“The other thirteen you started after.”

“Like your angry songs towards the healthcare system and it’s treatment of mental illness is any better.”

“I made one goddamn song. You’ve been painting him as if you’ll forget his face if you stop.”

Ten rolled his eyes, dabbing some peach on his hand and adding a little out of red before slapping it into the canvas. “What do you want me to say, Seo? I make no excuses about my obsessive tendencies that replace whatever hole he left behind.” 

Johnny laughed, his laughter filling the empty apartment. Ten joined him, despite the fact there was nothing funny about his brutal honesty. 

“Have you been sleeping,” Asked Johnny suddenly. 

“A few hours here and there. Want to hear something pathetic? Sometimes when I just wake up and I forget that he’s dead. I turn to talk to him before I realize he’s really gone.” 

Johnny nodded. He had known Taeyong for almost as long as Ten had. But not in that way. Johnny has lost his best friend but Ten has lost his soulmate. The boy who meant the whole world to him.

He was twenty years old, and his whole life, he had loved Taeyong. He had loved him since they were just two kids of very influential people, two kids hiding under the buffet table while their parents made conversation with everyone else at the fancy galas. He had loved him since they were in high school, and every time he kissed someone, he would wish it was Taeyong. 

Now he was gone. 

“Sometimes I forget too. I almost called him yesterday,” Admitted Johnny. He leaned closer to the canvas. “His smile doesn’t feel right to me.” 

Ten sighed, grabbing his palette and quickly wiping his brush before dipping it into the cluster of wet skin tone paint, “I was going to fix that later. Take a step back before I fuck it up more, you know?”

“Yeah,” Johnny stuck his hands in his pockets. “You want help cleaning up your apartment? It’s a fucking mess in here.”

The living room was overtaken by canvases and paints, everything had a plastic covering over it, even the floor. The bedroom was the only clean thing in his entire apartment. 

“I’ll do it after finals are over. Don’t worry about it.” 

Johnny sighed, “Don’t overwork yourself.”

“Don’t worry too much about it, John. I can take care of myself.” 

Neither of them mentioned how Johnny was over almost every day since Taeyong’s death. Neither of them mentioned how hard it had been for the both of them. It still hurts, even now.

“Sure. I’ll cook today. Doyoung’s stopping by after this, by the way. He’s just bored and lonely as usual.” 

Ten laughed a little, “We should really get that fucker laid.”

Johnny snorted, “The only thing he needs is therapy, not dick. I caught him scrubbing the counter again and again because he thought he saw a speck of dirt. His hands are fucking raw.”

Ten frowned, he dunked his paintbrush into his water and wiped his hands on his paint hoodie. He didn’t know what to say. 

Taeyong had left them all letters, in his fancy scripture. In all of them, he carelessly said that they would all move on eventually. Because he genuinely couldn’t believe that they all loved him so incredibly much. Ten wanted to go back in time and punch that idiot. Why did he ever think that it was okay to leave him behind?

_“If I died here now, would you die with me?” ___

__He wouldn’t have. But living through each day without someone whose presence you never really noticed because they’ve always just been there? That was its own level of hell._ _

__He was never going to really get over him._ _

__He had never been more wrong._ _

__They were not over his death._ _

__Doyoung blamed himself, and his obsessive compulsive tendencies had only gotten worse. Johnny barely slept, spending all his time either in the studio, or loitering at Ten’s place. Jaehyun took some fancy internship offer to America, and he was just gone. He hadn’t replied to a text since last month._ _

__“Someone’s still paying for his phone bill,” Said Johnny suddenly. “Is it you?”_ _

__“No. Only his family has access to that shit.”_ _

__“And how are they?” Asked Johnny conversationally._ _

__“According to Jeno, their mother’s working constantly, and their father is off on a business trip.”_ _

__“The kids?”_ _

__Ten stared at his unfinished painting for a moment. “I don’t know. They’re doing the best in their circumstances.”_ _

__He didn’t mention just how pissed he was that the world seemed to forget that they were all still kids. The same world that failed all of them when they needed it the most._ _

__He kept encountering Jeno at Taeyong’s grave. The two of them coexisted in comfortable silence, with only a few conversations that soon faded out. While Jisung had always been Taeyong’s favourite, Ten always liked Jeno. He had a quality about him, something about him felt incredibly human._ _

__(And Mark. Mark felt like a shell of a human. Like someone who hated themselves without even knowing who they really were yet. He was scared for Mark, and the worst part was, there was nothing he could do for him._ _

__And the worst part was just how similar he was to his brother. In both his best and his worst ways)._ _

__The last time he saw Jeno, he was staring blankly at the grave. “I don’t know how to feel about it anymore,” Said Jeno quietly. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”_ _

__He wasn’t the only one who didn’t know, thought Ten. He still didn’t know what to feel. It alternated greatly between rage, grief and pure emptiness. All he could do was keep moving forward even though all he desperately wanted to do was to move backwards._ _

__Johnny nodded, “That’s good.”_ _

__“Yeah.”_ _

__“Yeah.”_ _

__They sat in silence as he grabbed his paintbrush once again. Johnny wordlessly got up, and a few moments later, he heard the kitchen fans start._ _

__-x-_ _

___Taeyong smiled at him as they sat above on the rooftops. “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we just ran away from our lives for a while? Like just take off on some early morning greyhound and just start a new life elsewhere?”_ _ _

___It was sometime in the morning before the sun rose, and they were God knew where. Taeyong had used his family’s reputation to gain access, and they sat while sharing a blanket and a thermos full of hot chocolate. He always liked nights like this, and he sat with his head on Taeyong’s shoulder as he stared off into the skyline._ _ _

___He wished time would stop, and never run again._ _ _

___“Sounds fun, but we’re both sixteen and hotels need you to be eighteen. And also we’re financially fucked because we’re trust fund babies who aren’t allowed to work because of our parents,” Deadpanned Ten. “How about no.”_ _ _

___“It would be fun.”_ _ _

___He was sixteen and he would’ve followed his best friend anywhere. He was sixteen and he would give the whole world to Taeyong if he could. God knows that boy deserves it._ _ _

___Ten sighed, “Your brothers can’t survive without you. We’ll do it some other time, just flat out disappear for a week.”_ _ _

___“Or longer. We could be new people. In some shitty small town where no one knows us. We can live out something like Kiki’s delivery service. You can be that girl who lives in the cabin and does art all day.”_ _ _

___“And what? You’ll be the crows that constantly surround me? How romantic, Taeyong Lee.”_ _ _

___“Comparisons to studio ghibli movies are peak romance, darling.” Taeyong threw his head back and laughed, Ten smiled to himself. He hadn’t seen that laugh in a while. He was getting worried._ _ _

___“You know what’s peak romance? Shrek.”_ _ _

___There was some boy he dated once, they spent their first date watching shrek and cuddling. They broke up a month later and Ten hadn’t shed a single tear over it. It had been an interesting first date that was for sure._ _ _

___Taeyong shoved him lightly. “Shut up about Shrek.”_ _ _

___“Our lord and saviour.”_ _ _

___Taeyong snorted, “You say that like you haven’t been constantly forced to go to church as a kid.”_ _ _

___“Only made me less straight. You know what else isn’t straight? Jesus Christ. He was a middle eastern man, and yet he’s seen as white in modern depictions. It’s hilarious white supremacy, but what makes it funnier is that the only reason white jesus is popular is Leonardo da Vinci,” Ten paused dramatically. “Because he painted Jesus after his lover at the time. Jesus only looked like this because Leonardo was gay as fuck, and in love with an italian twink.”_ _ _

___Taeyong choked on his own laughter, “What the fuck, Ten? Why do you know this? How do you know this? God you’re so- you’re so-”_ _ _

___“Annoying?”_ _ _

___“Annoyingly you. I want to be as freely myself as you are,” Admitted Taeyong openly. “You’re so persistently you, everything about you makes up to be so stupidly human. I like being around you.”_ _ _

___He received a ton of compliments in his life. For his dancing, for his drawing, for his face. And none of them felt as genuine as this one. Taeyong, for all his faults and misgivings, was a kind person to everyone but himself._ _ _

___Ten could feel himself blushing, muttering, “I have more stupid art facts if you want to hear them. Like how the sistine chapel had something called a fig leaf campaign, where they hired a whole other artist to cover Da Vinci’s dick paintings up.”_ _ _

___Taeyong leaned into him more, his laugh echoing through the night. “Tell me more. I’ll trade you a secret for your ceaseless musings.”_ _ _

___He liked when Taeyong talked like the love interest in some John Green novel. He liked it when he leaned in more, wrapping his arms around him. He liked him so much it hurt. Love felt like an ugly thing as he stared as his parents argued loudly in the kitchens. It felt downright repulsive as someone he dated talked of a future together despite the fact they were both sixteen. The feeling stirring in his chest didn’t feel so bad, just scary like all unknown things were._ _ _

___“Victor Hugo had so much sex on a regular basis that his biographers literally lost track, and gave up on documenting all of it. He had so much sex that in his death, some brothels shut down because they were mourning his death,” Mumbled Ten sleepily. “Anything else you want to hear about?”_ _ _

___He could feel Taeyong smiling, “Nope. Just keep talking.”_ _ _

___“America bombed Japan in world war two for no reasons other than cruelty and research. It is reported that Japan was close to surrender already, and that the bombing in areas so populated was unnecessary, however they did it anyway. In wars where they paused to let each side drag back their dead friends, and paused during holidays because men do not want to fight, America was cruel enough to bomb women and children who had nothing to do with any of it.”_ _ _

___“Humanity is shit?” Said Taeyong quietly. He was staring off into the horizon, absolutely captivated by it._ _ _

___“Humanity is shit and yet so beautiful. We make stories that we pass down through generations, we create art that’s so breathtaking. We love so deeply, and we dream. We build civilizations and we hum music made centuries ago,” Muttered Ten as he fought to keep himself awake. “We’re flawed, and we’ll never achieve the perfection that the ancient greeks craved and yet that’s the best part of us all.”_ _ _

___“You make living sound so appealing,” Muttered Taeyong wistfully._ _ _

___Even sixteen, he knew that his best friend didn’t want to live. That it was hard for him to even do the bare minimum at times. Life felt less like a passing thing, and more like a heavy burden. And at sixteen, he had never felt so helpless._ _ _

___He was an idiot who could sometimes draw, he didn’t know how to do anything else._ _ _

___He was not a part of the Lee family, the rules didn’t apply to him. Everything was not okay, and it had never been okay, even from the start._ _ _

___“You still owe me a secret,” He said as he drifted off to sleep. The next time he opened his eyes, the sky was bright once again. He never found appeal in sunset paintings, not when they were so overdone. But the sight of Taeyong smiling softly at him as he blinked blearily._ _ _

___He never got the secret he was promised. ____ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____Mark stood by Taeyong’s grave, a lily in his hand, and a boy with golden skin standing a fair distance behind him. Watching him pay his respects without any interference._ _ _ _

____Mark didn’t do anything but place a lily and leave. He always did that, almost like he had nothing to say. Since the funeral, Ten only ever saw him around his grave, and only ever at night with a singular flower. Sometimes he seemed too drunk to even remember anything._ _ _ _

____Ten approached him from behind, “Leaving already?”_ _ _ _

____Mark looked at him, “I don’t think I have anything to say.”_ _ _ _

____“Fair enough.”_ _ _ _

____Ten never agreed with the way Taeyong only ever saw the ugly parts of himself in Mark. He couldn’t see the good traits that they shared. He loved him despite the fact that he wasn’t the perfect person the world expected him to be. He had failed him plenty of times, failed plenty of people. Mark was one of them._ _ _ _

____You could love someone and still admit that they were flawed, something his past self failed to realize._ _ _ _

____“You came all the way from university?” Asked Mark. He shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing to the boy awaiting him._ _ _ _

____“I needed to get away from my studio for a while,” Said Ten drily. “Johnny said my paintings were suffocating me, and Doyoung thought they were becoming closer to the drawings from insane asylum patients from the nineteenth century.”_ _ _ _

____Mark hummed, his eyes wandering once again, “I found a tub of your supplies in the basement.”_ _ _ _

____“I was wondering where they went.” He distinctly remembered a box of supplies that he couldn’t for the life of him find where he left it. That was a few years ago, they were undoubtedly all gross and in a state where the pigment separated from the oils._ _ _ _

____“Jeno threw them out after he opened a tube of paint and it exploded on him.”_ _ _ _

____Ten laughed, “Sounds like Jeno.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah.”_ _ _ _

____While Jeno reminded him of Taeyong in one of his better days. So bright, honest, and sarcastic. Full of snark remarks that weren’t nice in the slightest. Mark reminded him of his bad days. Drowning in the world’s expectations and so quick to force a smile and laughter._ _ _ _

____He seemed different at the moment. It was harder to see the golden child following his brother’s footsteps with the same shining persona and easier to see a seventeen, almost eighteen year old boy who was still trying to figure himself out._ _ _ _

____“You want to eat some food with us?” Asked Mark awkwardly. “We can wait while you do your thing.”_ _ _ _

____Ten glanced at the pretty boy on the side who snuck glances at Mark just as often as Mark did. “Twenty minutes, Minhyung. You two pick a restaurant while I do this.”_ _ _ _

____Mark nodded, and Ten turned to the headstone that meant nothing to anyone else in the world. Sometimes he knew just what to say, and other times he didn’t. All he could do was stare at what remained of the boy he loved._ _ _ _

____He sat down and stared off into the horizon, it wasn’t quite the view Taeyong would’ve liked, but they didn’t make graveyards on rooftops._ _ _ _

____“He’s grown. It wouldn’t have hurt so much to see him now,” Said Ten before he stood up and walked towards Mark and his friend._ _ _ _

____“Lee Donghyuck,” The boy offered his hand with a saccharine smile._ _ _ _

____He smiled at the boy, “Ten Leechaiyapornkul. It’s nice to meet you despite the circumstances.”_ _ _ _

____“I have no clue what you’re talking about, this is my favourite place to find friends,” Said Donghyuck without missing a beat. “We’re getting hot pot. I hope your spice tolerance is better than Mark’s.”_ _ _ _

____Ten winced at the painful memories that sprang to his head at that singular sentence. Neither of the two paid him any mind. It was uncomfortable silence until Mark spoke up._ _ _ _

____“Do you think he would’ve done the same for you?” Asked Mark suddenly. Both he and Jeno had a habit of saying things that are wildly inappropriate for the current environment and mood. A tendency to speak their mind before they think. Neither of them were intentionally cruel, it just sounded like so. “Visits every now and then, taking over your pseudo parenting, or do you think he would’ve just pulled a classic Lee family move?”_ _ _ _

____“People mourn differently.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t know, to be honest,” Said Mark. “I didn’t know him at all, to be honest. In the grand scheme of things, he was more like a parent than a brother to me.”_ _ _ _

____“Someone had to be.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not mad, not at him. Mother bought an apartment nearer to the hospital, it took her two boxes to move all her things. That’s how little she was actually home. And father’s busy taking a holiday with his new girlfriend.”_ _ _ _

____Donghyuck laughed as if it was a joke and not the sad reality. This generation really had a fucked up sense of humour, thought Ten._ _ _ _

____Ten sighed, “And Sungie?”_ _ _ _

____Mark didn’t stiffen like Jeno used to at the mention of their little brother. “He’s doing well. I think Chenle managed to convince him to start going to a studio again.”_ _ _ _

____“Chenle? Your teammate Chenle?”_ _ _ _

____“He knows that little gremlin but not me? I feel so insignificant,” Teased Donghyuck. He seemed oddly familiar to Ten. “I feel forgotten.”_ _ _ _

____Ten racked his brain for reasons why the boy seemed so familiar. “That boy from the orientation? The lost one?” Said Ten suddenly. “The two of you guys ended up on the opposite side of the school, on the completely wrong floor.”_ _ _ _

____“Bingo!”_ _ _ _

____“We got lost there too,” Recalled Ten. “I kept laughing at you guys because we also ended up there on our first day.”_ _ _ _

____Mark looked at him strangely, “You didn’t tell me about that part.”_ _ _ _

____“It was a long time ago,” Said Ten wistfully. “And now you’re about to graduate. They grow so quickly, don’t they?”_ _ _ _

____Mark stared off blankly, “Sure.”_ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____Taeyong once said to him, face lit by street lamps, “Sometimes I’m on top of the world, and other times, I don’t even want to be real.”_ _ _ _

____He didn’t know what to say at the time._ _ _ _

____They were both only seventeen at the time. He didn’t know anything other than his own name, and that he hated everything that love was, and yet he would drop everything for the boy next to him._ _ _ _

____Ten stood at the edge of the rooftop, like Taeyong used to. He would stand with his arms spread wide, and eyes closed. He looked so at peace each time, like the unknowns of death weren't scary to him at all. Ten didn’t understand that either, not until now._ _ _ _

____There were moments where you hated existence to the point that any fear of death was no longer there. The scary part was when those moments happened more often than not, and the voice in the back of your head desperately screaming, “I want to live”, was silent._ _ _ _

____Doyoung pulled him away from the edge with an annoyed look on his face, “You can’t keep coming up here, Ten. It’s not good for you.” He hid his pity and grief with annoyance. But even annoyance couldn’t mask the sad look in his eyes._ _ _ _

____“I know.”_ _ _ _

____“The self is not so weightless nor whole and unbroken, remember the pact of our youth. Where you go, I'm going, so jump and I'm jumping, since there is no me without you,” Recited Ten, more so to himself than to anyone else. “Maybe that’s the line he was thinking about.”_ _ _ _

____“You’re not making any sense.”_ _ _ _

____“It made more sense in my head. Sorry Doie, I’m rambling again, aren’t I?”_ _ _ _

____“You are,” Agreed Doyoung._ _ _ _

____“Patroclus was the very thing that fuelled Achilles’ rage that eventually killed him. The song made me think that he was Achilles, but if I jumped now-” Ten paused. “The song ends on a positive note though.”_ _ _ _

____Doyoung sighed, “His pride was his downfall, he had refused to fight and in the end Patroclus picked up the slack that he dropped. That said, you’re still not making sense.”_ _ _ _

____“Nothing ever really makes sense. Not even the myths that mankind make that we seem to still base songs off of. Was Achilles ever a living person?”_ _ _ _

____“Please stop with the incoherent rambling.”_ _ _ _

____He wanted to say that they were perfectly coherent. But the one person who had understood his incoherence was long gone, and he was all alone._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _

____Doyoung simply scoffed, he waited five seconds before he turned and opened the door to the stairwell. “Come on. Let’s go get food.”_ _ _ _

____“Do you think he was scared?” Asked Ten as they walked down. “I don’t know how he stood so close. I was terrified.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m a computer science major for a reason, Ten. I don’t know why you think I’d know anything. All I really fixate on are the things I know for a certain, and not some mad speculations.”_ _ _ _

____“When I was seventeen I used to think that I’d understand all my shit when I was older. Now I realize that I still don’t know anything.”_ _ _ _

____“You were always incredibly observant, enough that if you based everything on your own speculations you would not be entirely wrong.”_ _ _ _

____“Thank you.”_ _ _ _

____Doyoung waited five seconds before turning the knob that led to the outside. The streets were busy and cold, but neither of them paid any mind to it. Days like this, he would drag Taeyong into some ramen place, and he’d make fun of him for his spice tolerance, or lack thereof._ _ _ _

____He missed those days._ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

_____The gods envy us. ____ _ _ _

______One of the most beautiful pieces of writing. It was one that he had found on tumblr a while back. He later found out it was from the iliad, but his inner twelve year old self would forever associate it with the quote coupled with some dark academia aesthetic. It was one of the things that crept into his mind every now and then, one of the things he’ll never forget._ _ _ _ _ _

______He leaned back, and blew out the cigarette smoke._ _ _ _ _ _

_______Because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______We will never be here again. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________He stared at his best friend’s grave. If he could write poetry, he’d write about how the damnation of humanity and it’s life span was not as glamorous as it was advertised as. That despite the beauty there is to their limited lives, and their permanent deaths, there was an ugliness to it all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He would give all the beauty in a fleeting life for his friend to be by his side again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But he wasn’t a poet, just an artist who barely even knew what he was really doing. He didn’t have a way with words, and there was no way to really draw a thought like that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A picture was worth a thousand words, but a thousand indefinite ones. Ones that the looker chooses themselves based on what they think they see. A blue triangle in the middle of an empty white canvas could be analyzed to death, and yet no two people would feel the exact same way when they saw it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A writing piece is a writing piece. You could create whole universes, and while there was room for interpretation, facts were still facts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He was an artist who painted his feelings out, buried in layers of paint and clay. His words came out like an inelegant word vomit, and his pen only knew how to draw._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neither of them would really reach who he wanted it to reach though._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He had submitted a piece of art a while back, it was called ‘forgiveness,’ and it hung in a gallery as a contest winner. Some reporter had talked about just how beautifully it conveyed the feeling of being forgiven. That the faded tones slowly melted into bright saccharine colours were a symbol._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He had not meant for it to be like that. It was either bright red tones in the canvas or streaking his arms and his legs. It had been a plea thrown into the wind, an apology for not being able to do anything but watch as his best friend slowly deteriorated ._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________All the pen drawings that he left Taeyong didn’t stick either. The tiny doodles that his hand was sketching while he stared at the headstone wouldn’t either. Because at the end of the day, he talked and talked and yet he never said the words that he actually needed to say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He hadn’t told Taeyong in grade nine that he was scared of ruining love. He didn’t believe love or relationships had a second chance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He hadn’t told Taeyong that he loved him, all he did was hug him tighter every night in hopes that he wouldn’t leave. All he could do was smile a little brighter every day, and hope that he would understand that it meant “Please stay with me, for a little longer, for a little more.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It was too late now, he thought to himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________We will never be here again. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He stood up, brushing the eraser shavings off of him as he scoffed quietly to himself. The gods could shove their envy right up their asses. He wanted nothing more than more time with the boy he loved. There was nothing glamorous about the short lives that they lived, about their inevitable death. There was nothing romantic about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________There was nothing beautiful about the fact he would die, and according to Taeyong’s last few notes, the only thing really beautiful about life was death itself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Funnily enough, his last day with him had been a happy one. Taeyong had made the two of them go all the way to Hongdae, and the two of them shopped for hours, going past street vendors who had seen them grow up more than their parents had. And each time they would look at everything as if it was their first time seeing it all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He understood what Homer meant at the time, Taeyong was so incredibly lovely in those moments. And when the grief no longer taints those memories, it’ll be beautiful because it was fleeting. Because it’ll never happen again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He had taken a break to call Jeno, and Ten stared off into the sky. He didn’t know why, but Taeyong seemed so free that day. He seemed so light and happy, and for a moment, he believed that his best friend was starting to want to live again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Their last stop had been the beach, and Taeyong waddled in with all his clothes, murmuring to the waves quietly, “If I died here now, would you die with me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It was scary, his eyes were dead serious, and all Ten could do was laugh lightly, “Let’s commit double suicide some other day, shall we?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re right. It’s not fair to you,” Said Taeyong, moreso to himself than to anyone else. He followed Ten out of the cold waters. “Do you love me, Ten?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten looked away, “My answer’s always been the same.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Tell me you love me,” Said Taeyong teasingly, his voice rather quiet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten didn’t reply. Maybe he should’ve. But judging by the determined look he had seen in Taeyong’s eyes that night, his answer wouldn’t have made a difference. All he said was, “You’re shivering. Let’s go get you changed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The beaches didn’t feel the same. Talking to an empty headstone didn’t feel close either, and yet he kept forcing himself to go, again and again. He didn’t know how else to deal with it all. He hadn’t touched his photo gallery in his phone, because it all reeked of him, he hadn’t slept in his bedroom yet either. It all felt like it was missing something, someone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He gathered his things, and stuffed them in his bag without a care. The world kept spinning, and each step, past each row of graves, made him amazingly aware that life was beautiful because it would end eventually, and yet the unmentioned grief of its endings felt so ugly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Life wasn’t as beautiful as his sixteen year old self pictured it, but it was there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He was bundled up in his covers, staring at his laptop as it played a studio Ghibli film. Sophie moved on the screen, cleaning up Howl’s castle contentedly. Taeyong used to tear up every time Sophie yelled that she had never once been pretty._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Looking back, it resonated so deeply with him, despite the fact he was the most beautiful person Ten had ever met. But body dysmorphia didn’t just affect your body, it clung onto your brain until even your own face twisted into something you couldn’t even recognize._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He missed him so much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten always hated going to his house. Taeyong hated being in there so much, one of the secrets he had used to pay for the ramblings of a tired boy was that the house was suffocating._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He could see how exhausted he was, even when he was still putting up his invincible front up for his brothers. He looked just as tired at school, Ten stared at him as he forced himself to act like the perfect Lee Taeyong, the Lee family’s golden child, and the school’s idol._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________It was one of his bad days, thought Ten as he left himself into the Lee residence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He was sixteen, the world seemed to forget that. He was sixteen, and his eyes still lit up with childlike joy every time they passed a playground. He shouldn’t have had to grow up so fast, thought Ten. Lee Taeyong was human, and yet he carried his family’s burdens at the same time as he carried the world’s expectations._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He was breaking and there was nothing Ten could do about it, but relieve as much of his burdens as he could._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Mark sat at the kitchen table, doing his homework diligently. He looked up and beamed at Ten. Taeyong always hated how much of himself he could see in Mark. He was right, they were scarily alike, even though they were two years apart in age._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Hyung’s out right now,” Mark smiled at him, pointing with his pen towards the front door that he had just come through._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten nodded, “I know, but thank you, Minhyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Mark.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Minhyungie,” He smiled teasingly. “Where’s your brothers?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Jeno’s being sad in his room, and Sungie’s in the studio.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________It was scary. It was scary to walk to your best friend’s house every day, so unsure of whether he would still be alive or not. It was scary to say goodbye to him after their little rooftops excursions, not knowing if it was a bad day. It was scary when you started counting the times he laughed genuinely, and you only needed one hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Your parents?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Mother was home. She was in her study, but she left. She left food for dinner though,” Supplied Mark helpfully. Ten made a mental note to make food before Taeyong got home. His eyes flickered to the direction of the door. “I don’t think father’s coming home tonight.” He smiled briefly before he looked back at his work._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________For a moment, he saw Taeyong in that smile. It felt just as forced as the ones he’s seen on him. He couldn’t have been seeing right, because Mark was fine. He was the only sibling in that house who was doing fine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He passed Jeno’s room, knocking gently before he entered, “What’s wrong, Jeno-yah?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Fuck off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten laughed, “Okay whatever you say, edgelord. What do you want for dinner?” Jeno peeked out from his little tent underneath the covers, Ten could see lines of code on his computer. “Are you emailing Mark a virus again?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jeno looked only somewhat guilty, “No.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten sighed, “Don’t email him another one please, for the sake of your brother’s sanity.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Taeyong doesn’t care,” Said Jeno sullenly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Your brother is more constipated emotionally than an asian mom who cuts up fruit slices instead of apologizing,” Deadpanned Ten. “Come down and help me with dinner, I’ll teach you how to make some Thai food.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Already did that last week.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Chinese food it is. Come on, let your room air out a little.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jeno lazily made his way from his bed and followed Ten obediently downstairs and into the kitchen. Mark had disappeared, and in the spot that he was sitting was a small note. Mark never liked being cooped up inside, instead choosing to be with his friends for as much as possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“How’s life,” Asked Ten casually, as if he hadn’t just been by two days ago. He grabbed all the ingredients he needed from the fridge. He cracked two eggs with one hand, and shoved the bowl towards Jeno. “Whisk this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“Fine. There’s this boy in Mark’s friend group, he keeps looking at me weirdly.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“It might not be negative, you know. I used to think Doyoung hated me, turns out he just wanted to be our friend. To be fair he’s quite emotionally constipated.,” Said Ten lightly as he chopped up vegetables. “When you’re done with that, start the rice cooker, okay? Make enough for two days, I’ll make tomorrow’s lunch after dinner.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________The whisking stopped, and when he looked over at Jeno, he was staring back with a look of apprehension and confusion, “Has it ever occurred to you that you don’t have to do any of this?” Asked Jeno bluntly. “You don’t have to step in for him, or for my parents.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jeno and Mark had both understood at a young age that mom and dad were always busy, but they were both losing faith in the sincerity behind the “I love you”s that their parents told them. There was nothing he could do about it, not when he was unsure the Lees even saw their children as anything other than political and business gains._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten stopped too, staring off into the wall behind Jeno. “I don’t, I want to.” Someone had to. It should’ve been their parents, but he grew up lonely with mainly Taeyong as company. He grew up watching the carefree boy sneaking shrimps from the buffet to their under-the-table hideout become a shell of the person he could’ve been, if it wasn’t for his circumstances. Now, he always looked so incredibly tired of life. And as for himself, he barely ever talked to his parents outside of fancy dinner parties. He grew cynical, and lost interest just as easily as interest came._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He didn’t want anyone else to be like the two of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________There were two types of people. The type to think, “I suffered so why can’t they?” and the type to make sure no one would suffer the way that they’ve had to. He didn’t know who was so cruel to ever be the first type._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________“You must really love him,” Said Jeno flatly. He started whisking again as if love wasn’t such a terrifying concept. He said it so casually too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten froze. Love was a scary subject to a hopeless romantic who’s concept of love was so incredibly skewered by his parent’s relationship. His longest relationship had been six weeks, and he had been convinced it would last forever. It didn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Love was terrifying, because you could have someone you loved so much, whom your heart used to flutter so much around. How could you be next to them and just stop feeling all the love you used to revere so much. How could you just feel nothing? How do you just stop loving them?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He didn’t understand how terrifying it was until he kept falling in and out of love. Every feeling that he thought would last did not._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Love didn’t last, that much was clear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jeno looked up for a moment, he smiled as if nothing was wrong, “Yeah. I guess. Now give me the eggs and go start the rice cooker, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jeno nodded, “Got it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Ten watched him for a moment as he panicked on the inside. He could keep telling himself he wasn’t in love with anyone, that he didn’t love anyone in that way. But if Jeno, a fourteen year old boy who’s one life goal was to step out of his brother’s shadows, if even Jeno could point it out so casually, wasn’t it time to admit it himself?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________He thought for a moment. Before denial kicked in, and he went back to chopping vegetables while pretending he wasn’t bothered by such a trivial little thing. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It’s been a year. It didn’t get any easier._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________They were wrong, it didn’t get any less painful to see his things, it didn’t get any less painful when you woke up and reality hit you once again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Taeyong used to sit in the bathtub fully clothed, and he would have to pull him out before he caught a cold. He never understood how it didn’t feel uncomfortable. In some of his bad days, it was hard to even talk to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________All those things on tumblr you’ve read, all those posts trying to bring awareness to mental illness while accidentally romanticizing it, they never mentioned the truly ugly parts. The days where he found Taeyong crying while repeating over and over that the voices won’t shut up. The days that Taeyong would lash out at the world, where he stayed up for three days straight to cram for a test because god forbid his perfect persona fell apart. All of it, all those stupid expectations was what killed him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He hid razors every time he came over, and new ones would pop up the next time. He put post-it notes around the house, ones of encouragement and really dumb drawings. He did everything he could._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It wasn’t enough, and now for the first time in a long time, he was alone in a way that he never was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I miss him,” Said Ten quietly. He stared at the headstone, a piece of carved stone that he was starting to despise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know,” Said Johnny. “Believe me, I know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Doyoung laughed bitterly, “Time moved so slowly when it was just the first few months. Now I’m trying my best to slow it down because I don’t want to forget anything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Ironic, isn’t it?” Said Jaehyun drily. He knelt down and placed a lily atop of the grave. Jaehyun, who had flown here from America, the first time they saw him in a while._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The first time they gathered together as a group._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Any words from the peanut gallery?” Asked Jaehyun, he got up and looked at the three of them. “Any grandiose speeches?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Johnny stepped forward, he cleared his throat awkwardly. They waited for him to say something, but he just stared for a couple of minutes before he said, “I don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve said everything I needed to, and now I’m all out of any emotion.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Rage only got you through so many days before the grief caught up to you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________For a moment there was silence. Here was a group of four people who had been so close before. It used to be hard to find a quiet moment, and now it was hard to find their way out of one. Grief had matured them to people that no longer clicked in the same ways That was just how life worked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“We miss you,” Said Ten. He didn’t know what else to really say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It’s not the same without him, isn’t it?” Said Johnny as devoid of emotion as he could. “It’s been months and I still look to my left in classes and attempt to tell him a joke. I wake up sometimes and I forget the homework, and I reach out to text him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I remember all the interactions that we’ve had, they pop up at the least triggering of things, and all I could think of is the things that I didn’t say. I remember every fucking detail and I wish I can forget,” Added Jaehyun, pointedly avoiding their looks. “I see anything that he vaguely reminds me of, and suddenly that’s all my mind focuses on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“God this is fucking stupid. You think he wanted us to fixate on any of this bullshit? You think that’s how he wanted us to remember him?” Doyoung interrupted their moment with a scowl. He was never good with handling serious situations. He was like Jeno, going all harsh and cold when he didn’t know what to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaehyun on the other hand, used to make jokes out of his uncomfortableness. Jaehyun and Doyoung, when combined, both had a tendency to laugh at the most inappropriate of situations, as neither of them knew how to process anything properly. The first time he really saw Doyoung speechless was as Ten sobbed loudly in the bathroom hours after they had taken Taeyong away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Even Jaehyun didn’t know how to crack a joke about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________For a moment, they all just sat in numbed silence. It felt so unbelievably surreal and he just didn’t know what to do anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Just like now. The first time that they’ve been forced to really talk about it with one another._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I don’t know what he would’ve wanted,” Admitted Jaehyun honestly. He wasn’t making any more jokes, none of them were there to see him process his grief. He hid from the rest of them and suffered through it all alone. But one thing was blatantly clear, he had changed a lot. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Taeyong that wasn’t idolised by the rest of the world. I’ve only ever seen what he wanted me to see.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Ten looked up to realize they were all staring at him. “I don’t know either.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It was a universal fact that wherever Taeyong went, Ten would always follow. Some would say it was the other way around. That the two of them understood each other on a completely different level._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Both facts were completely and utterly wrong now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Let’s get blackout drunk like the first time. Emotions are disgusting and I am not sober enough for this shit,” Suggested Doyoung. “Come on. I’ll pay.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And that was that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The next day, he had woken up hungover, the knot in his stomach fading away to the backseat as his head started pounding. They were not the kids that they were once, and yet none of them knew any better of how to deal with this bullshit situation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________No one ever told you just how much grief would crush you. No one ever accurately portrayed just how long grief lingered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“You know that poem? The one that said that Icarus laughed as he fell,” Said Taeyong as he stood at the edge of the rooftop. “‘Threw his head back and yelled into the winds, arms spread wide, teeth bared to the world.’”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong spread his arms wide open, and closed his eyes. “It makes us all question our misconceptions of things. It twists something so tragic into something completely different.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“‘There is a certain beauty in setting the world on fire and watching from the centre of the flames,’” Recited Ten from his memory. “Come down, Yongie. Today’s just not the day.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He looked away, and when he looked back, all he said was, “Achilles come down.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________It would feel like nonsense to anyone else, but Ten knew precisely what he meant. He said it so simply, and he waited for Ten to respond with every expectation that he would just understand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“‘You're scaring us, and all of us, some of us love you. Achilles, it's not much but there's proof?’ Is that the line you’re looking for?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Nope. Not quite,” Said Taeyong with a sad smile. “Close though.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Ten sighed, he didn’t know what other line Taeyong could possibly be thinking about. He liked to think they were close enough to read each other’s minds, but the truth was that it simply wasn’t the case. He was an optimist despite the shit the world put him through, blindly trusting just about everyone he met. And Taeyong was a bitter, jaded and over-cynical boy underneath his stellar reputation as kind and thoughtful. “Greek mythology type of night?” Ten sat down beside the railings, staring at the skyline. “You know you’ll fall one day, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________The scary part was that neither of them knew whether that day would come by accident, or by his own doing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Icarus,” Said Taeyong softly. “I’ll fall with my head back, and a smile on my face.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Icarus was a tragedy, no matter how you look at it. His father was still alive, and either way, no matter how happy he is, he would’ve left his father all alone. Taeyong, come down, you’re scaring me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“How bittersweet,” Remarked Taeyong moreso to himself than to anyone else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Come down, Yongie. Please.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________His best friend threw his head back and laughed emptily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He was barely an adult, and he was so scared for his best friend. He didn’t know what to do. They never taught him just how to deal with something like that. He just wanted Taeyong to start wanting to live. For just a few more weeks, and a few more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Ten started rambling, “That poem, the one of Icarus. He wasn’t happy to die. The moment was still a sad one, it was the bitter exhilaration of death and tragedy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong hummed, “I always thought it was because he wanted to die. Maybe he didn’t actually want freedom. He flew close to the sun to die in a blazing glory.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“It’s up to interpretation, I guess.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Bitter exhilaration?” Asked Taeyong finally, after he took a moment to think._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I don’t know. But for me, I guess I’d say that it is that there is beauty in death, but there is even more beauty in life, because we do not listen to songs for it’s endings. We don’t read books for the last pages. We don’t plant flowers just for them to wither,” He reached up to gently hold Taeyong’s hand. “And that there is something oddly exciting about plunging down to your doom. Which by the way, you shouldn’t do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong sighed, he swung his legs over to the right side of the railing and pulled Ten up from his seat on the rooftop. “It’s a pretty snapshot of a death scene, isn’t it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Don’t get any ideas.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong beamed at him, his smile as empty as his parent’s love for each other. “I won’t, Ten. I won’t.” ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Did you ever get tired of pulling him back constantly?” Asked Johnny one day, as he studied the notes he had scrambled throughout the living room. “You were always the one talking him down.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’d rather talk him down a thousand times than see him dead,” Said Ten simply. “I’d talk him down a million times over and over if it means he’d still be alive.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Johnny froze as he processed his words. “You must really love him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I do.” He didn’t even hesitate to admit it. A little too late for him to feel so at peace with loving someone. The tiny part of him knew that it was easier to admit your love for a dead man, and that as time passed, the only parts you’d really remember were the nice ones. That soon you’d only remember him for all his strengths, and his flaws would slowly fade away. Maybe that was why it was so easy to admit now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Either way it was too late._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Don’t be a disgrace,” Hissed his mother underneath her breath so that no one would hear. His parents had mastered the art of it all, whispering snide insults to one another all while playing the role of the beautiful couple. “We’re leaving.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“I loved him, mother,” Said Ten as he wiped away his tears. “You don’t fucking understand-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Language. Don’t embarrass me than you already have. Honestly, what were you thinking? Proclaiming something like that in front of everyone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________He looked at his mother in complete horror and shock, “My everything just fucking died-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Profanity,” Reprimanded his mother coldly, her lips drawn in a thin line. “Don’t talk that nonsense. We’re leaving unless you can collect and present yourself in a suitable manner. Has none of your etiquette classes stuck to your head?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________His father didn’t say anything. He just stared off at some flower arrangement with a look of indifference._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“I can’t conduct myself when I’m faced with the reality that the only person whom I ever really loved is dead!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________His mother scoffed, gripping his arm tightly, “You weren’t the only one who loved him. We’re leaving, Yongqin. That was the last goddamn straw.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________He didn’t move. Just let his mother lead him away as tears streamed down his face. Jeno stared at him as he left, a mixture of pity and indifference in his eyes. He couldn’t even properly pay his respects, because god forbid he show any emotion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________A few weeks later, he caught Jeno in the corner of his eye as he cried next to the gravestone. Jeno left, and the next week, he sat down next to him without mentioning anything. They played his favourite songs and sat in complete silence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Neither of them really knew what to do. Jeno, who was only sixteen, sixteen and taking the brunt of all the technical things behind his brother’s death. And Ten, who lost the person he loved the most, the only person who well and truly understood him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Jeno left when the playlist ended, three hours and forty two minutes later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Neither of them said a word._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________There was nothing he could do. At that moment. And sitting at all that remained of the boy he loved so much, there was nothing he could do either. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ten always hated going to his house._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It was emptier now, if such a thing was even possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He debated leaving his things in the front porch, and just leaving._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jeno stared at him from the doorway. Too late. His arms were crossed, he looked so incredibly dead inside. He looked exhausted. He was only sixteen, Ten reminded himself. Both Mark and Jeno grew up so fast, skipping past any semblance of childhood and straight into whatever clusterfuck they currently lived._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Do you blame me?” Asked Jeno without so much a single greeting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I should be asking you the same thing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“He called me the night before. I knew something was wrong and I still didn’t say anything,” Said Jeno flatly. His voice broke at his last words, betraying the blankness he tried so hard to project. “I drove him away.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ten couldn’t break down, not now. Not at the way Jeno was trying so hard to cover whatever sadness he felt with anger. He always had that tendency._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re looking for a fight from me, aren’t you?” Ten brushed past him gently. “I’m not going to fight with you, edgelord. I know you’re upset, we all are, but please don’t project it onto me. I have his things in the trunk, ask your brothers to give me a hand.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ll just do it myself,” Jeno stared at him blankly. “Besides, Jisung yelled at our parents and he’s been in his room practically comatose since. He’s been in shock since last night. Mark’s been making arrangements all morning, I don’t think he’s even slept. I’ve been dealing with the parents. They’re pissed off at Jisung, like that’s the biggest thing in the world.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“People are strange.” He didn’t bother insulting their parents. He felt too numb to say or do anything but keep walking. It felt too real, and there were moments where it just really hit him. Taeyong was dead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ten walked past the kitchen, and what seemed like a cup of coffee. He grabbed the mug and sniffed it, “This doesn’t smell right.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“That’s because we used instant coffee-” Tried Jeno._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He stared Jeno down, “I’m smart enough to know instant coffee doesn’t smell like this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“-And we boiled a red bull instead of water,” Said Jeno, he was smart enough to look a little ashamed of their stupid decisions. “Mother’s in his room right now, she’s been sobbing to herself. Father’s out in his office. There’s a press conference to be scheduled, and a secretary to be fucked.” The last part was nothing more than a bitter murmur._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The hallways were redone while the two of them went off to college, the canary yellow walls were now painted some shade of periwinkle. There were still family portraits hung on the wall, ones that were more fake than his distant cousin’s “designer” purses. The hardwood floors were still a dark oak, and still looked like it’s never been walked on despite the fact the Lees have owned this house for generations._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He always hated the hallways._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Did you two eat at least?” Asked Ten, walking past the bedroom he knew so well. The room that he knew better than his own. He didn’t go in this time. He couldn’t bear to look at the monster who had left her child to wither away without losing it. He peeked into Jisung’s room, his face softening as he saw Jisung wrapped up in a bundle of blankets. His heart broke a little more inside. “Has he eaten?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jeno pointed at the empty containers of takeout stacked beside the doorway. Ten sighed and picked them up. He walked down quickly to the kitchen and placed them in the trash. “And Mark?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t know,” Said Jeno._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ten pulled out a few envelopes from his backpack, he placed them on the dining table, “Hold onto these for me, Jeno-yah. I trust you’ll give them to your brothers. He wrote letters for everyone.” He sighed, muttering to himself, “I always thought the first letter he would give me would be a love letter, not a suicide note.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jeno nodded, before he blurted, “Did you guys ever-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“We never called it anything. I thought I had all the time in the world to say something. Say anything. But that’s not the point.” Ten shook his head, heading upstairs once again. “Let’s not talk about that. Not right now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ll just check in on everyone before I leave. This is just the stuff I managed to grab before I-” _Broke down crying in the middle of his room, because it had really hit him. He really was gone now. _“-Went to sleep. I’ll stop by more tomorrow.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“You don’t have to do this, you know? He was the only thing keeping you here, the only reason you really ever took care of us, and now-” _He’s gone. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I don’t have to do anything, Jeno-yah. I choose to do this. I’ve known you guys my whole damn life and I’d be damned if I didn’t do any of this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“You must really love him,” Remarked Jeno, a complete deja-vu of before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Ten looked away, blinking away the tears. “Loved. Past tense.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Love, present tense. You haven’t stopped loving him.” It was silent before Jeno spoke again. “You guys made me almost want to believe in love. He loved you much more than he loved himself, that much was clear,” Said Jeno so completely honestly. Jeno had a tendency of blurting out things that came to mind, but when it came to something so completely honest, he hid it from the world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________The Lees were always good liars._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He smiled sadly, “Thank you, Jeno-yah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno averted his eyes and scowled. He never liked dealing with his feelings. None of this emotionally constipated and very much traumatized family knew how to deal with anything, it seems._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Ten peeked into Mark’s room, “Minhyungie.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark looked up, eyes swollen but a bright smile on his face as he turned to look at Jeno and Ten. “Hey. I took care of the funeral details, I’m just preparing the press conference scripts that dad just sent us. I also ordered takeout, it’s coming in a couple of minutes. Hey Ten.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Ten almost flinched at how eerily similar his smile looked like Taeyong’s. Mark had always been so alike to his brother. Both in mannerism and in reputation. It hurt to look at him. Jeno looked unfazed by just how put-together his brother seemed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Cool. Mother’s still crying, and Ten drove here with some of his shit. I’ll-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark nodded, “Got it, and as for the-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Took care of the board of directors issue, placated mom-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jisung-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Yup.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark gave him a thumbs up, “Cool. I’ll finish this up and-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Nah I’ll take care of him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Okay do you need me to-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I can take care of it. Just focus on this thing, and then the-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Got it,” Mark forced a quick smile before he turned back to his work._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Ten had never seen the two of them so in-sync. Jeno turned around, “You can go now, you know? I’ll take the car keys and unpack everything if you want to take care of whatever affairs you have here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Ten handed over his car keys without hesitation. “I’ll check in with your brother and then I’m out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark and Jeno shared a look that he couldn’t understand. Jeno left without another word and Mark sighed before turning around once again. Ten left to Jisung’s room before things got anymore awkward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jisung looked at him blankly as he entered. It was like he had shut down completely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Food’s coming in a bit,” Said Ten gently as he opened the windows to Jisung’s room. “Do you need anything?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jisung shook his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“It’ll be okay, Sungie,” Said Ten as he forced a tiny smile. He felt too awkward to hug him. Taeyong had always been the more maternal one out of the two of them. “Everything will be okay.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Don’t call me that,” Muttered Jisung. He was always an odd one. He was incredibly observant when he needed to be, and yet he was so detached from reality and people. He was always good at avoiding anything even vaguely serious or upsetting. Always the most passive one. He always thought Jisung seemed a little lonely (And beyond over-protected by Taeyong, but he never spoke up about it)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I won’t. Do you need anything?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jisung shook his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Ten didn’t know what else to say, so he just left. Jeno had taken the boxes that he threw together out of his trunk, and his car keys had been left on the dining table. Jeno was nowhere to be found._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He left without a single goodbye._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He was only nineteen, barely nineteen. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, because no one ever told you how to get through the immeasurable feeling of sadness and hurt that came after death. No one ever really knew how to get through those feelings either. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“You’re painting him again,” Said Johnny, as soon as he entered his apartment. The door shut behind him with a soft click._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“I doubt I’ll ever stop,” Snapped Ten._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Johnny leaned in, “You got his smile right this time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What do you think of the gods?” Asked Taeyong as he nudged a sleepy Ten awake._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I take it you’re not talking catholicism and their idea of a god,” Replied Ten sarcastically. He sleepily lifted his head up from his desk. “I think that greek gods were undoubtedly human for a civilization who considered their life goal the achievement of perfection.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“There’s paint on your cheek,” Noted Taeyong. He leaned against the desk next to Ten. “You know why I like your rambling so much?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Because you like me so much?” Asked Ten teasingly, careful not to say love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Because you know what you’re talking about. You like talking about what other people consider niche, and when you do, you know the subject to be thorough. It’s like a teacher who genuinely likes to teach.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Ten looked away in embarrassment, “What’s the fixation on greek gods? First the rooftop and now this?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“The gods envy us,” Said Taeyong simply. “The iliad.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“They envy us because we’re mortals. It’s also used in the movie Troy, but I don’t think that’s really so memorable as one of the most well known works,” Said Ten, recalling the passage that Taeyong associated with the origin, while all he thought about it was that tumblr post he read when he was twelve. “What does that have to do with anything?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I always liked the gods. My mother made me memorize passages from the Iliad when I was a kid. Said it helped improve my memory. You’re telling me I could’ve just watched some movie featuring a probably half-naked Brad Pitt for a quote like that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I never read the Iliad, but I’m sure it’s better than a half-naked Brad Pitt.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Taeyong laughed, he crouched down so that his head was resting on Ten’s desk, and he was looking up at him. It felt like a movie scene, thought Ten to himself. The windows were open wide, and it was sunny. Wind ruffled through the classroom. The classroom was abandoned, everyone else already gone for the day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What’s this all about?” Asked Ten._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I don’t know, I was just thinking what made the gods so appealing. They’re immortal, and they make life time worth’s of mistakes, and they just keep fucking up, over and over. Isn’t that so ironic?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________People were always the prettiest when they talked about things they were genuinely interested in. There was a certain spark in their eye as they rambled about something they cared about. He was absolutely captivated._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Yeah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Am I rambling?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You are, please don’t ever stop.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Taeyong smiled at him, a laugh bursting out. He looked away in embarrassment. “God, you’re so… You’re so..” He didn’t finish his compliment, his smile growing wider as he stared at Ten. “I love being around you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Ten blinked, unsure how to quite say anything. “Thank you.” It was his turn to look away, he yawned and finally sat up straight. He did what he did best, changing the subject, “So what’s the fixation on ancient greek mythology?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I have a tendency to fixate on certain things, you know that,” Taeyong moved to pick up Ten’s school bag, and pulled him up. He tucked his chair in after him. “Were you up all night painting again?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You know me so well.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“That, and there’s specks of paint in your hair,” Said Taeyong teasingly. “You need to take better care of yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Don’t be a hypocrite. Jeno tells me you spent the night wandering the streets again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Jeno stayed up all night, he’s running on spite and enough caffeine to kill god. He doesn’t get to talk.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Ten stared at his best friend as they walked down the abandoned school hallways. That was the moment, that was the moment where he realized that he loved this boy. And he probably always would._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Ten looked away, he didn’t think he was scared anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He reached out between the two of them and grabbed Taeyong’s hand. Neither of them mentioned it. And they held hands until they were out to the view of the public. There was no way to really say anything, nothing to really say. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](http://twitter.com/myyueliang)
> 
> Little end notes:
> 
> Finally, this series is completely over, haha.  
> So series-wise, this one was more of my ramblings than any self projection or any emotionally charged scene. Plot-wise there was virtually none. He didn't move on in the end, and it's up to you to think whether he ever moved on. 
> 
> Things to note -  
> The idea of Taeyong slowly deteriorates as the series goes. From Jisung's idolization to Jeno's grudging respect to Mark's complete hurt and mild hatred.  
> Their relationship had never been fully established between the two of them, neither of them really knew where they stood with one another, but they did know that they loved one another fully.  
> You can also see how everyone in the series sort of skips over Mark completely, do what you want with this information. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading my collection of god knows what~ Have a good day and stay safe~~ And if you ever feel suicidal, please talk to a friend or a family member. It's more of a burden to see you dead than it is to have one conversation.
> 
> A few songs to note for this fic in particular  
> Achilles come down - Gang of youth  
> Ours - Taylor Swift  
> fuyunohanashi - Given


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